Chapter 4: The Politics of Political Inprisonment
Rincewind walked silently and, as always, miserably
between the two beefy guards who escorted him down the hall. He almost
preferred the company of the hyperactive shrimp compared to the two silent,
obelisk-like men who escorted him down the hall. However, she and him had
already parted company. She had bounced off with another guard and an official
who was to show her to her reward.
“bye-bye, Rince-a-thing! Been great working with
you! watch that blood pressure!” were her cheery parting words.
“ugn.” Were Rincewind’s.
the luggage, feeling rather neglected in light of
recent events, shuffled obediently after the solomn trio, idly wondering
if it would be worth it to bite off any legs belonging to any guards.
“there you are.” Came a voice from a hall ajoining
the one they were currently marching along. Rincewind turned to see
Drumknott, Lord Vetinari’s aide, walking briskly toward them. “I trust
Ms. Etcetera has fulfilled her part?”
“yessir.” Replied one of the guards.
“good. And the wizard is unharmed?” he looked down
at Rincewind who no longer took offense when people talked about him as
if he weren’t in the room.
“yessir. We were just about to show him into the
throne room, sir.”
“I’m afraid Lord Vetinari is indisposed at the moment
with matters of state. It is late, besides, and I’m sure Mr. Rincewind
is exhausted from his trip.
Rincewind could honestly say that he could very
easily jump through a window at the present moment, and not stop running
until he reached the rim, but declined to do so.
“You may undo his bonds. I will show you to his
quarters” Drumknott spun on his heel and marched briskly down the corridor.
The guards bungled over each other in an effort
to untie Rincewind’s bonds at the same time as keeping up with the swift,
efficient Drumknott.
They wound through several corridors, up several
flights of stairs before stopping at a large door in a well-lit, richly-tapestried
and carpeted hall. One of the guards opened the door to reveal a well-furnished
and comfortable bedroom, complete with a fire already crackling. Rincewind
hesitantly followed Drumknott inside, leaving the guards at the door.
“this is one of the guest’s quarters. You will be
residing here during your stay, although you’re official status is that
of a dangerous prisoner.”
“b-but I’m not dangerous!” protested Rincewind.
“indeed?” answered Drumknott, raising an eyebrow.
“I trust you’ll find everything here to you comfort. If something is amiss,
you may inform one of the guards outside the door, who will see that it
is attended to. you will not be permitted to leave this room until such
time as you are summoned by Lord Vetinari to discuss your present position.”
Drumknott nodded once to Rincewind and exited the room, closing the door
behind him.
there was a click of a key being turned in a lock,
and silence. Rincewind stood in the middle of the room feeling distinctly
out of his element. This room was. . . well, it was nice-looking, warm,
comfortable, and even had an attatched lavatory. He was completely unaccustomed
to such surroundings, even from his Unseen University days. There was a
padded chair beside the fire with several clean robes sitting folded on
it. the cloth-draped table even had a bowl of fruit on it. Rincewind cautiously
peered around the curtains and into the shadowed corners for lurking assasins.
He found none. He did find, however, a small white kitten curled up on
one of the pillows on the bed, purring contentedly. The luggage shuffled
around once, and settled itself in a corner, looking as if it were made
to sit there.
Having nothing else to do, Rincewind, cautiously
and with much looking about, shed his robe in favor of the simple white
cotton gown folded on top of the other robes on the chair. Plunking his
hat on the luggage, making it look rather rakish, he crawled under the
covers.
The disc could have cracked down the middle then
and there, but nothing would have been able to dislodge the warm daze his
mind settled into once he sunk into the mattress.
The kitten yawned and curled up on his face. It
had to be discouraged three times before finally settling itself on the
wizard’s narrow chest.
Rincewind slid into a deep, dreamless sleep.
******************
“Mr. Rincewind? Sir? Are you awake?”
the voice, accompanied by a knocking on the door
after what seemed a cruel and unusually short time period. Rincewind groaned
and flopped over. The kitten took a half-hearted swipe at his head in protest.
“Sir, the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork is waiting to
meet with you. I suggest you clothe yourself and come out.
Rincewind opened his eyes and furrowed his brows at his surroundings.
He was. . . comfortable. . . how the bloody hell had that happened? The
memory of the previous day hit him like a bolt and he promptly fell off
of the bed.
“Sir? Is everything alright?”
“Gnah!” answered Rincewind, rubbing his nose where
it had impacted the floor.
“I would not like to keep the Patrician waiting.
. .”
“gnuh. . . “ Rincewind heaved himself up and grumpily
grabbed the robes that had been left out on the chair, throwing them on.
he paused before opening the door, grabbed his hat, stuck it firmly on
his head, gestured to the luggage and exited into the hallway. He glared
at Drumknott.
“I trust you slept well.”
“mmn. . .”
“follow me, please.”
“hmph.”
They went up a set of stairs, along a passage and
before long they stood before the large double-doors that led into the
Patrician of Ankh-Morpork’s private chambers.
He hesitated before entering through the door that
Drumknott held open for him. It creaked on its hinges, which almost always
resulted in unpleasant experiences involving large stone mansions and indignant
undead.
Drumknott cleared his throat.
Rincewind retorted with a throat-clearing of his
own.
“sir. . .”
“yes?”
“Lord Vetinari awaits you. . .”
“does he now? well, good for him.”
“sir,”
Rincewind had had quite enough at this point. He
had spent the last month wet and cold, been ambushed in the middle of the
night by a hyperactive midget with a mallet, advanced upon by barbarians,
tied up, dragged about Ankh-Morpork and they expected him to just do as
they said? Sometimes even Rincewind had to put his skinny foot down. “what?
You want me to go in there? Well, let me tell you, I’m sick and tired of
being dragged about! The bloody Patrician of bloody Ankh-Morpork can bloody
well rot in there! I have a sense of self-preservation to indulge, so if
you’ll excuse me. . .” he spun on his heel, “Luggage, come!”
He looked down. The luggage was playing with a small marmalade-colored
kitten, who purred loudly as it chases The Luggage’s shuffling feet.
“a. . . heh. . .” said Rincewind as he realized
that the Luggage could not be more oblivious to his plight. He gave a high-pitched,
nervous chuckle, “you know, perhaps we can discuss thi-“
That was all he had time to say before fingers like
steel rope wrapped upon itself closed themselves over his shoulders, lifted
him clear off the ground, and casually tossed him into the room, where
he landed in a heap with his rump in the air. The Luggage bumped blindly
into it as it hastened after its master. This propelled Rincewind to tumble
forward, head-over-heels, until his progress was halted by his head as
it impacted with a table-leg.
“Gnaaaaah!!” protested Rincewind into the carpet
in which he found his face.
He heard footsteps, muffled by the carpet, come
round the table and stop beside him. he opened his eyes and became aquainted
with a pair of nondescript black leather shoes.
“Are you alright?” came the calm, composed voice
from above him.
“oh, of course I’m alright.” He griped, rolling
over, “I’ve just been rear-ended by a piece of baggage with an identity
problem, and had a minor disagreement with a table leg, and I do believe
I have a concussion, but I’m fine, really, I’m sure I’ll recover in a year
or two, or maybe die in my sleep, but we’ll see, shan’t we, hmm?” he looked
up through one eye, the other being obscured by his hat which flopped over
it.
he immediately regretted his hasty words when he
observed Lord Vetinari standing over him like a patient vulture. The Patrician
raised a thin eyebrow. He turned and walked back around the table, seating
himself “do be seated, Mr. Rincewind.” He said, gesturing to the
chair opposite him, “I was just finishing my morning meal. Help yourself.”
Rincewind, keeping a nervous eye on Vetinari, took
a seat. He idly wondered if he could watch the Patrician’s every move while
at the same time trying to determine if he was about to be poisoned. He
gave up trying when he got a headache and the Patrician gave him an odd
look.
“I gather you’re wondering why you have been brought
here.” the patrician folded his long fingers over each other and rested
them next to his plate.
“erm, well, yes. . .” Rincewind eyed the platter
of toast, jam and assorted fruits.
“I feel I must apologize for your hasty collection,
but time was of the essence. The merchants’ guild was about to sign a contract
with the Assassin’s guild to secure your capture and execution.”
Rincewind made a strange strangled sound in his
throat.
“I assure you that my motivations for drawing up
the contract for your safe capture are not so dire. The Wizards’ guild
is quite upset about the incident, as is Commander Vimes of the City Watch.”
Rincewind raised his hand.
Vetinari’s brows furrowed slightly before he said,
“yes. . .” as if unsure of exactly how he was expected to respond to the
gesture.
Rincwind lowered his hand, “why would the Wizards’
guild be concerned?”
“I am made to understand that they fear it will
make a bad impression upon them to foreigners. What with trade negotiations
with several nations happening next month, and this being the best season
for sailing ships, they are concerned that the leaders of other nations
will regard the issue as a statement upon the Unseen University and guild
in general.”
Rincewind raised his hand again.
“yes?” replied Vetinari with slightly more conviction
this time.
“And the City Watch?”
“I believe the notion of an entire guild of assassins
being sent to secure the murder of a single citizen is quite contrary to
the morals of Commander Vimes. It is his job, after all, to see that justice
is being served on the streets of the city.”
Rincewind’s hand shot up again, as if of its own
accord.
Vetinari sighed “yes?”
“where the bloody hell did you dig up that. . .
er. . . um. . . what is that. . . girl? Brian?”
Vetinari nodded “I expected to have to explain her.
She can be. . . intimidating.” He idly took a crust from his plate and
handed it down to Wuffles who was sniffing nearsightedly at his shoes.
“She is a quarter dwarf. She is also an honorary member of the thieves’
guild and a professional tracker.”
“is that a proffession?”
“it is if one charges for it. she specializes in
items which have been lost or stolen, family heirlooms, children, pets
and such. She found a disappeared grandfather clock for one of my advisors.”
“oh.”
“do you understand, then, why you are being held
here? it is as much for your own protection as anything else.”
“yeah, I understand.” He noticed an odd tugging
at the laces of his boots and looked down to find yet another kitten batting
them about between its front paws. “erm. . . may I ask a question?”
Vetinari sipped his tea, “yes.”
“what’s with all the cats?”
“they showed up in the throne room one morning.”
“. . . they just showed up?”
“yes.”
Suddenly, time seemed to slow, Vetinari’s hand frozen
in the air as it raised his cup to his lips. A rift in the space-time continuum
appeared to Rincewind’s right, and Death popped his head through. ABOUT
THE KITTENS, SOME HORRIBLE LOUT WAS ABOUT TO DROWN THEM IN THE ANKH, SO
I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF TRANSPORTING THEM SOMEPLACE WHERE THEY WILL BE CARED
FOR.
“what happened to the horrible lout?” asked Rincewind
out of pure, morbid curiosity.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, Death seemed to grin a little wider than
usual, WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND. IT MAY BE QUITE SOME TIME BEFORE
THEY RECOVER HIS BODY.
Rincewind gurgled.
I SIMPLY WON’T STAND FOR CRUELTY TO CATS. Muttered
Death, more to himself than anyone else, as he withdrew his head, and the
rift closed with a zipping sound.
Vetinari took another sip of tea. “I do hope you’ll
excuse me now, I have some matters to attend to. feel free to roam about
the estate as you wish, there will be a guard with you at all times.”
“oh. Er. . . thank you for, um, for not killing
me.”
the corner of Vetinari’s mouth stretched to the
side curiously. It took Rincewind a moment to realize that it was a small,
half-smile. Vetinari suddenly leaned forward. His hand shot out and grasped
Rincewind by the back of his neck, pulling him toward him. Vetinari abruptly
pressed his lips to Rincewind’s, the latter giving a confused “mmmph?”
sound.
Rincewind blinked several times in utter confusion
before Vetinari released him.
“you’re welcome.” Said the patrician, still with
an odd mischievious smile on his face, as he rose and exited the room.
Rincewind slumped in his chair, shock sinking into his limbs.
What the bloody hell just happened?